“Oh, the Bible tells me so!”  And just what might that be, Pilgrim?  Most of the bible thumpers who sit by the thousands in Mega-Churches across the Western half of the good ole U.S. of A. bobb their heads up and down in syncopation with the minister who is on stage plying his trade, making these simple minded droids believe that these here words in Leviticus and Daniel or maybe Geneses (no, not Phil Collins), were given to us by God so we’d know how He felt about things and what pissed Him off and what pleased Him.  Never mind that these words were written by radical, religious right Jewish counterparts to the evangelical, fundamentalists preachers of today who still use some of the words that were in the original text but not all because some just don’t fit their needs as well as the ones they changed to.  I mean, ya can’t keep preaching that women are impure which is proven by “their time of the month.”  Quite honestly, I can’t imagine any of the women I know today who would go along with the idea of sleeping in a tent in the back yard until they stopped leaking!  I know I sure as hell wouldn’t suggest it!  (Besides, if every twenty eight days men got a nose bleed for a week, that would be interpreted as a good thing; a sign that God loves us!)

Well, that notion is far outdated and proven to be wrong.  Imagine that, God giving us something that was wrong.  Hmmm.  He kind of went a little off the righteous road condoning slavery on one hand and then saying to treat a stranger as if he were a brother, too.  Oh well, He missed a few but got it right about them homosexuals though!  Nailed them right to the tree, He did!  He said “you all are an abomination and I spit you out!”  No, I said that wrong, I think.  He didn’t say I spit you out” because that sounds like what they do and He wouldn’t, you know, do that!  I think He said I’ll spit on you when I see you.”  You’ll have to forgive me because I was raised Catholic and wasn’t allowed to read the bible.  Them priests read it and told us what it said so we wouldn’t need to and maybe become confused. You know like when they put their hands down your pants and check for lice.  That ain’t a homosexual thing, that’s health related.  I thought it was right courteous of Father to check me for lice, lick my penis clean then tell me how much he cared for me!  Kinda strange though when he kept asking me “whose your father?” while checking his crotch for lice.  I kept trying to tell him that he knew who my daddy was because he saw me and my dad and mother every Sunday at 10:00 o’clock mass.  A friend of mine who also was checked by Father for that dangerous crotch lice told me that Father’s cum switch got stuck.  I guess he needs to see his doctor and get that checked.

Later on in my life, I took some time to read the bible that I wasn’t supposed to read as a Catholic child growing up.  As I was reading the Old Testament, the Jewish half of the book, I couldn’t help but notice the harsh, judgmental words that were always addressed to others, were in the same vein as the words and mannerism of the Evangelical, Fundamentalist preachers on TV who were always saving someone’s soul and collecting a hefty fee for doing it too.  “Now Douglas, me and Jesus saved you from the curse of demon alcohol and have given you the gift of salvation in Jesus’ name.  Since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I’m sure you know that there’s no free salvation cures, either.  What would Jesus consider fair?  How much did you make last year?  Send it in!  Praise Jesus and the tax free church donation!”

One thing troubled me, when I got to the New Testament and read the words of Jesus, they were calmer, quieter, loving words.  There was none of those screaming, condemning, judgmental tirades that the preachers like to do, referencing Jesus while they do it.  He never cried out about homosexuals being the abomination the preachers claim either; nor did he condemn a woman for having an abortion.  Now that confuses me.  If God His Father found homos to be an abomination, couldn’t abide them, why wasn’t Jesus delivering that same message that you can hear from the preachers.  No, instead he preached about helping the poor, loving your neighbor, helping one another, praying to God often but in silence; just between you and Him.  I like the New Testament until I got to Paul and some of his writings.  He must have needed the money because he got right back on the morality bandwagon and preached hell fire and brimstone.  It’s a shame, too, because we follow the Old Testament rules of morality and Paul’s condemnation of sexual contact even though he was known to be a triple peckered Billy goat until he could no longer get it up and he suddenly realized the evil of his ways.  It’s like the religious right invoke Jesus’ name but not his teachings.  I guess there’s much more money you can scare out of a person rather than love it out of them.  I just hope Jesus didn’t get in trouble with His Father for not sending them homos to hell.  Oh well, He’s God, He’ll get over it!